By now, the campaign against Saddam's Iraq has begun in earnest, and - in the fine tradition of American protests - large groups of kind, well-meaning people are going to fuck shit up in such a way that has no direct bearing on what's really going on.

We have been promised that daily life is going to be "disrupted" by hordes these folks, who I've come to call Crazed Leftist Agent Provacateurs (CLAP). I'm told that The CLAP is going to be going around quite a bit, in fact: many large cities, public installations and other hapless victims are going to be visited by them in turn. And they're all bent on breaking everyone's toys because they can't have their way.

Now, I'd normally try to see if I could get such people to see reason. I know that their hearts are in the right place, it's just that their heads are all jammed up something else if they think this kind of obnoxious crap is going to get them anywhere but in jail, and help anyone but... well... no one at all.

But, as the plans have already been drawn up in advance, and it's too late to back out of it now, I figured I'd try to be the one giving out some common sense advice to the young turks. I was young, dumb and full of excess energy, too, once upon a time. So consider this some wise, sage advice from someone who's been there, done that and survived long enough to wish nothing but woe and ruin on the people I used to be there and do it all with.

So let's start with the best piece of advice I could give you: grow the living fuck up and ditch this nonsense - now You will not be helping anyone by doing this. You will only be going to jail, getting tear-gassed, clubbed or possibly even shot with something stronger than rubber bullets or knee-knockers if it goes on too long.

There are better, more effective ways to protest this situation. Do them not this

Now, if you feel like ignoring Grandpa J's advice, well... fine. In that case, please adhere to the following:

* Don't disrupt anything that would cause problems for people less fortunate than yourselves. That would be tacky, rude and just plain mean.

* On the other hand, don't disrupt anything that would cause problems for people more fortunate than yourselves. They might remember who you were and
sue. And you don't have any money... do you?

* And please don't disrupt anything that would cause problems for people just like you, either. You might see your friends and neighbors there when you do, and you will never be able to explain your way out of that one.

* Remember to wear impractical clothing while looting, smashing windows and destroying public property. If you rip your hands up with broken glass, burn yourself on makeshift bonfires and get bruised and scuffled up when the crowd shifts direction and you get trampled, the Police have a 50/50 chance of thinking you're an innocent bystander instead of an agitator who just got what he deserved.

* Just in case you wind up on the wrong side of that 50/50 chance, remember to wear light, impractical clothing, so as to facilitate running your little ass in the opposite direction as quick as it will go.

* Don't go to the riots expecting to meet cute people and chat them up. Chances are they'll either be too wrapped up in the revolution to care, too self-righteous to even think about that sort of thing or - as is most often the case - too stinky to get near. Real revolutionaries don't bathe often.

* If you're amongst the people who are going to try and infiltrate military installations, then be sure to practice the following important, possibly life-saving phrases: (1) "Please don't shoot." (2) "I'm sorry... you mean this isn't the public campground?" (3) "Please, please don't shoot." (4) "I yam escape fvrom circus train. I vish to defvect!" (5) For the love of God, please don't shoot." (6) "It was his idea, sir. I thought we were just going to the poetry slam..."

* Just in case those phrases don't work, be sure to wear clean underwear while infiltrating. This will save your mother from being embarrassed when she has to collect your personal effects from the county morgue.

* If by some strange chance you manage to live long enough to be arrested, remember to blame society when you're on trial. Blame the Liberal Media. Blame MTV. Blame CNN and Rolling Stone and Peter, Paul and Mary, too. Blame everything and everyone... except for yourself. Because considering the consequences of your actions, and taking responsibility for them, is both counter-revolutionary and seriously uncool.

* And, finally, pay absolutely no attention to those who protest responsibly and peacefully, or any of their pernicious calls for calm and reason. Never mind those old, past-it farts who think that having gotten us out of Vietnam counts for anything at all. You know everything you think you do, even if you can't find Kent State on a map.

So spit on the old folks' notions of registering to vote in time for the next election! Pay no heed to their calls to not give "The Man" the excuse he needs to bust everyone in sight! And if they complain about you burning down their house, or trashing their store, then they're just part of the boir... bour... um... how do you spell that word, anyway?

(Maybe you should ask your new friends in ANSWER, who seem to be coordinating all this chaos. I bet they have a lot to tell you about that...)